I Am Playing Me

A couple of us from the group decided that it was time to bond outside the musical walls of Cap 21. Patrick, one of us four boys, works at a bar on the westside called Eatery and invited us all for drinks there. It was casual, simple and fun. We laughed and gossiped and released the last week and half of work and worries. The night extended to Suki's boyfriend's hang out joint after work. Her boyfriend is a top chef in Manhattan and so, to appease his tastes, this place had great food! I'm the true sense of the word a "starving artist" so I had a few bites from other's dishes. I have no shame. As we sat and indulged in the savory fried rice we started to have topical conversation about one another's lives and what we first thought of one another.

A first impression is one of those things that, once it has happened, you can never get it back. Of course you can have a second and third impression but that first is forever cemented into your being. First impressions are quite serious in our line of business. An audition for a casting director is their first impression of you, a meeting with a potential agent is their first impression of you, the conversation you have with a high profile director at a Gala is their first impression of you and the list continues. At the restaurant we went around the table and spoke the truth as to what our first impressions were of one another.  They were all slightly off and misconstrued considering who the person actually was. Those few moments of conversation seemed so trivial but they are in fact so full of impact.  I've always firmly believed that it doesn't matter who you are, as much as it matters how you're perceived.  If, deep down, I'm a modest and sincere individual but come across as a stuck-up diva then my truth doesn't matter as much, especially considering first impressions. It doesn't matter how nice I think I am, if other's don't see me as nice then who cares what I think? It's very existentialist of me, but we all think we can just be who we want to be but we aren't anything without the consensus of others. For example, Michael Jackson was agreeably one of the most talented people in the world, but if the world didn't agree on that, he could have still had all the moves and the all the music but have just been a performer on the streets of New York. It's an agreed perception that makes people who they are. 

 Impressions are making me realize how important our image truly is. What we convey with our body language and our clothing and our behavioral habits will trigger certain stereotypes in someone else's eyes. They will see the shy and innocent girl instead of the true party animal, or the arrogant New England frat instead of the true sentimental and genuine school boy.  And that is where type comes into play as well. Just because we are something deep down, doesn't mean that our surface and our aura displays that same image. Some one can see me as the charming, sweet, energetic guy, but I could actually be a bitchy, whining, slacker. Yet that doesn't matter, if they ( they: being the industry) see me as those characteristics then that is what I'm going to inhabit in my acting.

 We all want to just be ourselves, but aren't we in this business to be someone else? Don't we want to act and pretend to be something we're not. I love acting because I get to explore parts of life that aren't necessarily in my own. But nonetheless we need to be aware of how we are being perceived, not just by the industry but by our friends and family. It that perception isn't something you want, then unfortunately you need to fix the vibe you're giving off. It can be frustrating and make you feel like you are betraying your sense of self, but just think of it as cleaning out your closet. All those clothes in your closet, you bought them and you wore them, but now some of them aren't working anymore; they don't fit, or you just don't like them, so you have to get rid of them, and go shopping so that when you open that closet and like what you see and like what you wear. That is essentially what you trying to shape when you have to make a first impression. 

Now impressions are two dimensional while humans are not. We are multi-demenstional beings full of pasts, desires and struggles that create an individual so multifaceted that you couldn't possibly fit into a moment of meeting or idle conversation. When it came around for me to share my first impression of Grace, I couldn't really formulate one, I didn't have one. She moped in saying that she was forgettable and I actually disagreed. Yes she didn't lead with a distinctive character but she exhibited an open, simplistic being; a blank slate if you will. She wasn't being constrained by someone's idea of her, she was instead forcing someone to have to get to know her in order to get an idea of who she is. Now neither way is a good or bad way, it is just how the dice fall. Annie on the other hand seemed like a diligent, studious and focused young lady, only to find out that she had a carefree, adventurous and spicy character underneath those sweet dresses and soft smile. Annie's "image" is certainly going to open different doors than Annie's "personality" and so that is what we have to be conscious of when entering the audition room. We are always taught to not judge a book by it's cover, but we can certainly judge it by it's title and our first impression, as actors, is our title. So we better come up with a good one.

"The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious - from behind a locked door inside of our brain - but just because something is outside of awareness doesn't mean it's outside of control." - Malcolm Gladwell 




~ Michael-Anthony 


P.S. Go clean out your closet.