What Kind of Girl is She?

It couldn't have come at a better time. Besides trying to keep up with writing, this unexpected journey of trying to find myself as an artist has taken quite the toll on my artistic life and is starting to infuse into my regular daily one. Yet in she walked, tall, thin, a new hair cut, now a blonde.  She was grounded, focused and unintentionally ready to save the day, our day, my day. 

Her name is Susan Blackwell. A brilliant comedian, actress, collaborator and a catalyst to the creation of entertaining and influential work in New York City and beyond. She is a force to be reckoned with.  A real spitfire if you will. Full of gusto and sincerity that many lack in a business full of insecurity and self-conciosness. I was introduced to Susan's work back in 2006 with the soundtrack of the Off-Broadway hit, [Title of Show], (in which the title of this blog is in reference to). She was one of the five collaborators who wrote the show on top of starring in it. I was hooked from the start. It was funny, the music was catchy and the message was nothing less than inspiring. It is a musical about writing a musical and the story follows four writers as they try to create, and sometimes stumble upon, this piece of art that they are truly proud of.  Their goal and hope was that it would be substantial enough to be on Broadway, both in the show and in reality. In 2008 that small new musical, through campaigning and I'm sure endless work and need of convincing, opened on Broadway and I was lucky enough to be there. It was so emotional to watch these four actors perform the work that they wrote, through a medium they love and respect. They accomplished their goal. Is there anything more satisfying? It's hard enough for me to cross off all the things on my "To Do List" let alone produce a full Broadway Musical.  I could see it in their eyes and feel it in their performance of how pivotal it was to be on that stage. I also just knew. I know what that feeling is, we all do and it's pride. There was certainly a connection made between them and every audience that sat in those seats and shared that experience. And that connection went deeper because not only did they produce it and star in it, they wrote it. I saw it twice.                      

                                           

                               

Writing is hard. Susan doesn't deny it. She shared with us how she has had ideas that she wanted to put to paper but it just felt like trying to push a gigantic boulder across the floor. And that imagery certainly relates to my own battles with trying to write, with trying to do a lot of things in my life actually. Yet she explained to us the importance of not holding so concretely to such ideas and just allow your mind and heart to write. Be surprised of what you can do and what you can accomplish instead of limiting yourself to your own predestined capabilities. She equated this trusted abandonment to the liking of water skiing with a monkey as your driver. She told us, "to follow the monkey, don't resist him." The monkey is our heart and the magic of the unknown. Resistance is only our uncertainty and fear of failure.

So I'm currently water skiing as I write to you. The monkey is in full control and I've already fallen off a few times. During our time with Susan she elicited memories from us and a few of us shared what sort of  smells evoke certain memories and what things in our lives have kept us from being free. I shared with everyone how labels and misperceptions from others were extremely confining for me and led to a severe state of always wanting to be liked and accepted. I'm slowly exiting that world, yet at times it feels lonely, but sharing those thoughts was so stimulating and emotional. Susan explained that topics that cause a physical reaction are the topics that you should be bold enough to explore. Within those topics is where great impacting and three-dimensional art grows from. And on some level we've always known that but I think exploring those topics with no theater structure around it allowed us to truly feel the sensation of being emotionally and physically affected by sharing something so personal to us. That is what art asks of us. We have to give out selves to the work otherwise what is the point? We are all unique and different from one another so if we are cast in a production it is our sole responsibility to bring our being to the work, our personality, our heart and our personal connection to the material. And if you share that sacredness, that is your art, you will expand as a person. Susan says, "You expand as a person when you share."

After sharing the things that have prevented us from being free we manifested those outside, or inside, elements into a blood sucking, life-draining, anti Robert Pattinson, Vampire. Susan wrote a song in Title of Show called "Die Vampire Die" and it sings about all the elements that give us insecurity and doubt of what our art should be, instead of letting us be free to create whatever of our choosing. Susan explains, "a vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression." So we all gathered around the piano and created our own Vampires. It eventually led into a mini production number of Die Vampire Die with the one and only, the creator herself, Susan Blackwell. I know this is cliche to say but I literally "couldn't believe it." I remember seeing this number in Title of Show and now here I stand with its creator, performing it with her. It was goofy, it was serious and it was liberating all at the same time. Susan constantly checked in with us to make sure we were in the room, respecting the moment at hand and truly existing as a coherent being in the space, so there is no way that I'm forgetting those moments, especially because now I have it written down. WINNING! 


You could tell by the way she walked and the way she approached you that Susan was always bringing her heart and her personal connection to the forefront. She was an open spirit, at least in the total hours that I spent with her. After the class, of course I had to hug her and tell her how much I appreciate her artistry and frickin hilarious Side by Side by Susan shows on Broadway.com. I am a huge fan but she granted me such wonderful advice. She told me that she too used to have a thing of idolizing artists who she thought she couldn't measure up to. When she was younger she used to think there was a golden city in which all the "Greats" lived. A separate city where great plays were written and things were invented, where Einstein and Neil Simon would sit and have coffee together, that's what she imagined. But she assured us all that there was no such city and we all have the ability to accomplish great things.

I don't think I can accurately describe how freeing and natural it was to spend that time with Susan.  As of late, I am being constantly questioned as to who are you? Who is Michael-Anthony? And for some reason that question is just as bad, if not worst than the others deciding, on their own, who I am or who I'm going to be. In this business we are expected to know the precise thing we want to sell and how we want to be cast. But I say hell to it all. I don't know. I don't know what I want to sell. I don't know who I want to be. All I know is that I am me and I can't wait to offer me to any given production. We are too complex and too multi-dimensional as humans to try and narrow ourselves to one aspect of ourselves. So for now, I'm following Susan's advice and gonna follow that monkey wherever he may lead.

Susan Blackwell is a woman that speaks with abandonment but with a huge sense of responsibility. She curses almost as much as my mother and makes the utmost wittiest remarks. She has a full time corporate job just so she can create work that is artistically stimulating to her. I promise you that she won't leave this world without doing what she wants to do. I'm sure she already has. She without a doubt, saved the day for me and hopefully her words of wisdom and expertise will carry with us as we enter the brutal world of professionalism.

             
      "Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."  ~Harvey Fierstein


~Michael-Anthony Souza


P.S. Now. Here. This.